7 Most Important Rules for Gay Couples in an Open Relationship
By Bob Basque, LCSW
Navigating an open relationship can be exciting, fulfilling, and deeply connecting—but let's be honest, it's not without its challenges. If you're in a same-sex relationship and exploring non-monogamy, setting some ground rules is essential for keeping your bond strong while allowing room for personal freedom. No two relationships are exactly alike, and what works for one couple might not for another. That’s the beauty of it—open relationships are as unique as the people in them.
Here are seven guiding principles (or rules, if you will) that can help you and your partner thrive in an open relationship.
1. Communicate Honestly and Consistently
This might seem obvious, but it's worth stating upfront—open relationships live or die by communication. Be open and honest about what you're feeling, both good and bad. Are you nervous? Excited? Jealous? Communicate these emotions with your partner.
You might ask yourself (and each other):
How often should we check in with one another about this arrangement?
Are we comfortable talking about who we’re seeing outside of our relationship?
Honesty creates a foundation of trust, and trust is what makes any relationship—open or otherwise—successful.
2. Set Clear Boundaries
Boundaries define the "rules of the game" in an open relationship. Without them, it’s easy for misunderstandings and hurt feelings to arise.
Here are a few questions to discuss with your partner when setting boundaries:
Are hookups okay, or do outside partners need to be ongoing relationships?
Should we avoid mutual acquaintances or friends?
Are there specific acts or activities that are strictly for your relationship and no one else?
The key here is clarity. Knowing where the lines are drawn doesn’t limit the relationship—it actually makes it stronger.
3. Prioritize Your Partnership
It’s easy for the excitement of an open relationship to shift focus outward, but remember that your bond with your partner comes first. They’re the person you’ve chosen to build a life with, and that connection deserves to be nurtured.
Make sure you’re prioritizing your relationship by:
Scheduling date nights to reconnect—even in the middle of busy weeks.
Regularly expressing your appreciation and love for one another.
Reaffirming your commitment—even if external relationships come and go.
Keeping your partnership front and center ensures it remains your main source of love, support, and intimacy.
4. Address Jealousy with Compassion
Jealousy happens. And you know what? That’s okay. Feeling jealous doesn’t mean you're failing or that your relationship is in trouble—it just means you’re human.
What’s important is how you and your partner respond to jealousy. If insecurity creeps in, don't bottle it up. Share how you're feeling without assigning blame. Use "I" statements, like, "I felt nervous when you spent the night with your date," rather than, "You care more about him than me!"
By approaching jealousy with compassion and empathy, you can work through it together and become stronger as a couple.
5. Keep Safety a Priority
When it comes to sex in an open relationship, safety is non-negotiable. Protecting both your physical and emotional well-being is crucial.
Here’s how to do it responsibly:
Discuss and agree on safe sex practices, such as always using condoms or PrEP.
Regularly get tested for STIs and share your results with each other.
Be mindful of your emotional safety—stay tuned into your feelings and speak up if something feels off.
Taking these precautions shows respect, not just for your partner, but for yourself and anyone else you’re involved with.
6. Avoid Comparisons
You and your partner will likely have different experiences in your open relationship. Someone may have more dates lined up. Another may fall into periods of disinterest. And sometimes, yes, outside partners may possess qualities you or your partner admire but lack. It’s tempting to compare, but don’t.
Remember, every relationship brings something unique to the table, and comparing will only create unnecessary tension. Instead, focus on celebrating what makes your relationship and each other special.
7. Be Prepared to Revisit and Adjust
People grow. Feelings evolve. Needs change. That means the rules and agreements you set up at the beginning of your open relationship may need revisiting as time goes on.
Make space to check in with your partner regularly:
Are the current rules still working for both of us?
Has anything come up that we need to talk about?
Do we want to shift boundaries or expectations as we grow together?
Approach these check-ins with curiosity and care. Being open to adjustments shows that you’re committed to making this work for both of you.
Final Thoughts—And a Call to Action
Open relationships can be an incredible way to explore your desires while strengthening your bond with your partner—but only if they’re built on trust, communication, and mutual respect. Whether you’ve been navigating non-monogamy for years or are just testing the waters, take time to reflect on what works for you as individuals and as a couple.
What’s one takeaway you’d like to implement in your relationship today? Maybe it’s setting clearer boundaries or scheduling a relationship check-in. Start there.
And remember, this isn’t just about “rules” in the strictest sense—it’s about making sure both you and your partner feel loved, seen, and valued. With that as your guide, there’s no limit to how fulfilling your relationship can be—open or otherwise.
If you need help with this or any other mental health concern, contact Starfish Mental Health today!
Starfish Mental Health
760-523-9000
StarfishMentalHealth.com