What to Do If Your Husband or Boyfriend Doesn’t Want to Be Intimate
By Bob Basque, LCSW
Intimacy can be one of the most beautiful aspects of a romantic relationship. It’s where vulnerability, trust, and connection come together, creating a bond that’s unique to the two of you. But what happens when intimacy feels distant? When you’re ready to express your love in physical ways, but your husband or boyfriend doesn’t seem to want the same?
First, take a deep breath. This situation is more common than you might think, and it doesn’t automatically mean something is “broken” in your relationship. Many couples experience what’s called desire discrepancy—where one partner has a higher or lower libido than the other. It’s never an easy thing to face, but it can absolutely be addressed with love, communication, and understanding.
Here are the top three things you can do to nurture your relationship and work through intimacy challenges together.
1. Start with an Honest Conversation
Before making any assumptions, take time to talk with your partner. Set aside a quiet moment where you can both feel relaxed and unguarded. Start the conversation with empathy—remember, this is about connection, not blame.
You might say something like, “I’ve been feeling a little distant from you lately, and I just want to check in. How have you been feeling about our intimacy?”
This opens the door to a deeper conversation about what might be happening for both of you. Your husband or boyfriend might be dealing with underlying stress, anxiety, or personal insecurities that he hasn’t felt ready to share yet. At the same time, you can express your own feelings, like frustration, loneliness, or worry, in a way that invites mutual understanding.
Be patient. Conversations about intimacy can feel vulnerable, and your partner might need time to process his emotions. What matters is creating a safe space where both of you feel heard.
2. Explore What Sex and Intimacy Mean to Each of You
When intimacy issues arise, it’s easy to jump to conclusions or feel like you're “not compatible.” But before going down that road, take time to explore what physical connection means to each of you.
For some, sex is a way to feel close and validated. For others, it might mean fun, passion, or relaxation. Or, it could hold emotional layers tied to past experiences, traumas, or fears.
Ask each other, “What does intimacy mean to you?” and “How do you feel when we’re not intimate?” These questions can reveal hidden feelings and unmet emotional needs that might be affecting your relationship.
For example, maybe your partner views sex as pressure-filled, especially if he’s been dealing with low energy or confidence lately. Or maybe you feel rejected and unloved when intimacy takes a backseat—triggering feelings of unworthiness.
Acknowledging these vulnerabilities doesn’t fix things overnight, but it helps you see the deeper layers beneath physical disconnection. Once you recognize these emotional truths, you can work together to rebuild trust and closeness, sometimes with the help of a therapist or counselor.
3. Focus on Connection Outside the Bedroom
When intimacy poses a challenge, it’s tempting to focus solely on “fixing” what happens in the bedroom. But the truth is, intimacy starts long before the lights go out. It’s built in the small moments of everyday connection that remind you why you fell in love in the first place.
Try redirecting your energy into non-sexual forms of closeness. Hold hands when you’re watching TV, surprise him with his favorite coffee, share a deep conversation, or simply spend time laughing together.
These seemingly mundane gestures deepen the emotional bond you share, which in turn often rekindles physical intimacy. The key here is to create an environment where both of you feel valued and loved, no matter where your sex life stands at the moment.
On a practical level, you can also introduce change. Routine can dull desire over time, so perhaps plan something exciting—a weekend away, a cooking class, or even dancing around your kitchen to a favorite playlist. Sometimes, breaking out of the mundane is all it takes to reignite those sparks.
Remember to Seek Help When You Need It
You don’t have to go through this alone. If you’re feeling stuck, a therapist, particularly one who understands LGBTQ relationships, can be incredibly helpful. They can help you both unpack your emotions, communicate more effectively, and find a path forward.
There’s no shame in asking for help. Relationships are a shared, ongoing effort, and seeking guidance means you’re both committed to making it work.
A Gentle Reminder
It’s normal to feel frustrated or vulnerable when intimacy becomes a challenge. Remember not to internalize these issues as a problem with your worth or desirability. Physical connection can ebb and flow in any relationship, and it doesn’t define the love you share.
Keep the lines of communication open, express empathy for one another, and prioritize emotional closeness. Be patient with yourself and your partner as you work through this together.
Your love is worth the effort. Just take it one conversation, one small gesture, one step at a time.
If you need help with this or any other mental health concern, contact Starfish Mental Health today!
Starfish Mental Health
760-523-9000
StarfishMentalHealth.com