How to Handle a Spouse Refusing Couples Therapy

By Bob Basque, LCSW

Relationships can be beautiful, fulfilling, and uplifting. But let's face it—not every moment is sunshine and rainbows. For many couples, hitting a rough patch is part of the relationship’s natural ebb and flow. While couples therapy can be a powerful tool for navigating these challenges, what happens when your spouse flat-out refuses to attend?

If you’ve suggested couples therapy and your partner isn’t on board, it’s normal to feel hurt, frustrated, even stuck. But you’re not alone, and there are steps you can take to encourage them to reconsider.

Here’s how to approach this delicate situation with care, respect, and an open heart.

1. Understand Their Concerns

First things first—why is your spouse resistant to couples therapy? Refusing therapy isn’t unusual and often stems from deeper fears or misconceptions. They might worry about being blamed, judged, or vulnerable in front of a stranger. Perhaps they feel they can solve issues without “airing dirty laundry” or question if therapy will work at all.

Instead of immediately pushing back, open a dialogue and actively listen. Ask questions like, "Can you share why therapy makes you hesitant?" or, "What concerns you the most about it?" By creating a safe space for them to express their feelings, you’re less likely to escalate the tension and more likely to foster understanding.

2. Frame Therapy as a Positive Experience

For many people, the idea of therapy is daunting. Your spouse might envision sessions full of conflict or blame, further deepening the divide. Reframe the narrative to focus on the positives therapy can bring.

Instead of saying, "We need therapy because you're so stubborn," try, "Therapy can help us grow stronger and communicate better—it’s a way for both of us to feel heard."

By presenting therapy as an opportunity to strengthen your bond rather than “fix” problems, you’re making it a collaborative and empowering solution rather than a shameful chore.

3. Share How It Impacts You

Sometimes, your partner might not understand how deeply their refusal affects you or the relationship. Be honest about your feelings—but do so gently and without blame. For instance, you could say,

"It hurts me when I feel like we’re stuck and can’t figure it out on our own. Therapy feels like a way for us to work together, and it means a lot to me."

Opening up about your emotions helps your spouse see the situation from your perspective. It’s not about accusing or guilting them into therapy—it’s about giving them insight into how this matters to you on a personal level.

4. Start Small with Individual Therapy

If your spouse is still reluctant, consider starting therapy on your own. While couples therapy benefits both partners, individual therapy can be just as impactful—especially when one partner is hesitant.

Not only does this show your willingness to put in the work, but it may also chip away at any lingering stigma or skepticism your spouse holds about therapy. Sometimes, seeing your progress can inspire them to get involved!

Plus, a therapist can offer strategies on how to communicate with your partner more effectively and address any challenges you’re facing solo.

5. Look for Compromise

Sometimes, your partner’s reluctance can be softened by meeting them halfway. Do they feel more comfortable trying a less formal approach first? Suggest reading a relationship book together or attending a workshop designed for couples.

If your partner isn’t ready to face a therapist in an office, look into teletherapy sessions. Virtual therapy allows couples to share their thoughts without the added pressure or discomfort of a traditional in-person setting.

By showing flexibility, you’re reinforcing that this isn’t about forcing them—it’s about finding the best solution together.

6. Time and Patience Are Key

Change doesn't happen overnight, and convincing your spouse to attend therapy might take time. Continue to express your thoughts gently, listen to their concerns, and avoid nagging or ultimatums.

Pushing too hard can often backfire, making the idea of therapy even less appealing. Remember—progress takes patience.

7. Celebrate Small Wins

If your spouse agrees to even one session, celebrate that as a victory. Sometimes the hardest part is taking that first step, and showing appreciation for their effort goes a long way.

You could say something like, "I know this wasn’t easy for you, and I just want to say how much it means to me that you gave it a shot."

Positive reinforcement can encourage them to keep going, one session at a time.

8. Stay True to Yourself

If your spouse remains totally resistant despite your best efforts, it’s important to prioritize your own well-being. Continuing to sweep issues under the rug isn’t healthy for your relationship or for you.

If issues persist and therapy feels like a non-negotiable for you, consider speaking to a therapist about your options. It’s okay to reflect on whether the relationship dynamic is sustainable for both partners in the long run.

Stronger Together... One Step at a Time

Convincing a spouse to attend couples therapy isn’t always easy, especially when emotions are high and resistance is strong. And yet, the effort to strengthen your relationship is worth it.

Keep communicating openly, framing therapy as a positive and collaborative step forward. Be patient, and meet your partner where they are—change happens one conversation, one gesture, and one small win at a time.

If you’re feeling overwhelmed and unsure how to proceed, remember that help is always available. Therapy is a resource for you too, even if you’re navigating this phase on your own for now.

Love, after all, is about persistence, understanding, and growth—together.