The Top 3 Things You Should Do If Your Partner Has a Drug or Alcohol Problem
By Bob Basque, LCSW
Finding out that your partner may have a drug or alcohol problem can feel overwhelming, confusing, and even isolating. If you're a gay man navigating this deeply personal challenge, you might also face unique pressures or concerns, like how to balance love, support, and self-care without risking your own emotional well-being. You might be asking yourself, “How can I help someone I love without losing myself?”
The good news is, you’re not alone—and there are steps you can take to create a healthier space for both of you, whether that means moving toward recovery together or setting boundaries where you need them. Here are three essential steps to consider if your partner is struggling with drugs or alcohol.
1. Get Support for Yourself First
Caring for someone with a substance use problem can be emotionally exhausting, especially if you feel like you’re managing it alone. That’s why your first priority should always be your own well-being. You’re no good to your partner—or yourself—if you’re running on empty.
Seeking support from a therapist is one of the best ways to process your feelings, set boundaries, and learn tools to cope. A mental health professional who is LGBTQ-affirming can provide a safe environment to talk openly about your relationship, your fears, and your frustrations. They can help you work through tough questions like:
How do I draw the line between love and enabling?
How can I encourage my partner without losing myself?
What are my rights and boundaries within this relationship?
You don’t have to figure this out alone. Therapy is not about being “fixed” or “getting it right”; it’s about giving yourself permission to focus on you.
2. Educate Yourself and Learn Coping Skills
Navigating a partner’s alcohol or drug problem requires understanding, patience, and a set of practical tools. One great way to develop these tools is by attending a support group geared toward loved ones of people with substance use issues. Programs like SMART Recovery Family & Friends meetings specialize in helping you manage your own reactions, communicate effectively with your partner, and develop healthier coping mechanisms.
These groups are welcoming spaces where you’ll meet others in similar situations—people who know what it’s like to love someone who’s struggling. Through active conversations and proven strategies, you’ll learn critical skills, like:
How to avoid enabling behaviors.
How to handle difficult conversations with compassion and structure.
How to reduce your own stress and improve your quality of life, whether your partner chooses to seek treatment or not.
Education is empowering. The more you understand about addiction and healthy ways to respond, the less trapped or helpless you’ll feel. Joining a community of others who get it can be a game-changer.
3. Lead with Kindness, Not Tough Love
You may have heard phrases like “tough love” tossed around when it comes to addiction—ideas that suggest you should cut off help, deliver ultimatums, or assume a harsh stance to try to push your partner into change. While these methods might work for some, research increasingly shows that kindness and compassion are far more effective, especially within intimate relationships.
Dr. Jeffrey Foote’s book, Beyond Addiction: How Science and Kindness Help People Change, is a fantastic starting point. It challenges the traditional idea of tough love by emphasizing the power of empathy, respect, and connection. Kindness doesn’t mean letting unhealthy behavior slide; it means approaching your partner in a way that’s nonjudgmental, constructive, and rooted in a desire to see them succeed.
For example, instead of saying, “You need to stop using, or I’m done with you,” consider saying something like, “I care about you so much, and I’m worried about what this is doing to your health and our relationship. How can I support you in seeking help?” It’s a small shift, but one that can make a world of difference in how your partner receives the conversation.
Remember, creating change does not happen overnight. Addiction is complex, and recovery takes time. But leading with kindness aligns your words and actions with your values, which can make a lasting impact.
A Quick Reminder About Boundaries
While kindness is paramount, it’s also important to maintain boundaries. Kindness does not mean tolerating abusive behavior, neglecting your needs, or sacrificing your own mental health. If your partner’s substance use is negatively affecting your safety or well-being, it’s okay to prioritize yourself and seek distance if needed. Setting boundaries doesn’t mean you’re abandoning anyone—it means ensuring that your own foundation stays strong.
Wrapping It Up
Dealing with a partner’s drug or alcohol problem is never easy, but you don’t have to go through it alone. By seeking therapy for yourself, engaging in educational resources like support groups, and approaching your partner with understanding and kindness, you can create a healthier relationship for both of you. Whether you’re seeking to walk this path together or looking to reclaim space for yourself, these steps can provide clarity and strength.
If nothing else, remember this—you’re doing the best you can. Simply by searching for advice, you’re already taking a huge step toward a better outcome.
Your next step? Connect with a therapist, check out a local SMART Recovery Family meeting, or pick up a copy of Beyond Addiction. And most importantly, be gentle with yourself. You deserve care, too.
If you need help with this or any other mental health concern, contact Starfish Mental Health today!
Starfish Mental Health
760-523-9000
StarfishMentalHealth.com